Ego was “deconstructed” – what does this mean?

My blog is about the search for “enlightenment” – what happens if one “gets lucky” and either obtains the sought-for state as the result of systematic inquiry or just plain “stumbles into it” as happened in my case?

Well, one can look back at it and realize that the “personal self” or in particular “the ego” has been (was) “deconstructed” in the instance but that does not really help any other person to understand what the resulting state might be feel like in direct experience. Nor do supposedly “enlightened” comments about the resulting state of comprehension such as that “there is only ever the non-dual reality and, from the vantage point of the person in the world, there is either knowing this or not knowing it” or even as David Carse has put it that “all is presence in which all apparent thoughts and concepts, events and actions, arise spontaneously” necessarily help us very much.

The difficulty is just this: if the ego-state has been deconstructed, blown-out, shattered, etc. etc. then exactly who or what remains that is capable of formulating such statements? Remember that attributes such as speech, writing-style etc, as well as the way one thinks about one’s self and so forth are all part of the ego-self since they have just been added to whatever one previously possessed, upon coming into life (as from birth). So, if the ego-self has indeed been deconstructed (as the result of some specific practice) who is there to say such things? Certainly not “the only ever (present?) non-dual reality” nor yet “presence in which all events arise spontaneously”. Neither explanation will do as such. Plainly there is something else going on here and it cannot be explained just by saying that the ego-self has been voided.

So that “something else” is what I intend to talk about, that and the overall “content of the profound” that can be accessed by mere mortals.

I do not intend to suggest that I come to this “outlook” without some pre-loaded intent for I do have such. I have written a book about this under the title “The Journey to Enlightenment” self-published by Lulu. A hard-copy can be obtained from directly for $12 and downloaded as a *.PDF for $5 or so. The full content can also be accessed on Most of the individual documents that make-up the final book including many others are also there as well and are available for download. The book is however, my focus for an integrated presentation. I am by training a scientist (ecologist) and at the first, after obtaining the insight that I will elaborate further in this blog, I found the language of science was incompetent to the task of transfer. Thus it is that it has taken me 14 years to reach a stage where I feel I can discuss the matter clearly. You might say that the comprehending entity involved disappeared into a cave (hidden in plain sight) in order to digest the matter for 14 years. Here is the direct link to the book and the PDF download.

The Journey To Enlightenment by John R E Harger 237pp

Go to for the rest including “The Journey to Enlightenment” – click on the link or search for: The Mind as Source of All . You can see the rest of the material under this link

or you can key-in:


About goldenagebeyond

Born: New Zealand 1938, spent my early years on a sheep farm in the Waikato. Attended the University of Auckland and The University of California, Santa Barbara where I studied marine biology and population ecology respectively. Went on to teach experimental field ecology at The University of British Columbia from whence I strayed into environmental activism. During the course of my scientific career published widely in technical journals across the fields of ecology, environmental assessment, global warming as well as a number of articles dealing with the theory and practice of environmental activism. Eventually I joined UNESCO (The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) spending fourteen years in the Jakarta Office before retiring as a Director of The International Oceanographic Commission (IOC) in 1999. I thus have a well-founded understanding of the relationship between science and social practice having also spent time with The State of Michigan Toxic Substances Control Commission where I designed and implemented clean-up procedures applied by the state in controlling instances of toxic substance contamination in the environment. My “accidental” foray into the area of self-analysis and subsequent projection into the profound provoked a complete reversal of my previously solid view of external physicality now finding complete agreement with Sri Ramana in observing “That the world and the mind arise as one but of the two the world depends on the mind alone the only reality being that in which this inseparable pair have their rising and setting – The One Self Alone”. The details of this can be found in: <p align="center"><a href=""><font size=4>The Journey To Enlightenment by John R E Harger 237pp</font></a></p>
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8 Responses to Ego was “deconstructed” – what does this mean?

  1. alywaibel says:

    Hi. You said your blog is about the search for enlightenment. Are you a student or a teacher?

    • Hi Alywaibel,
      You ask a really difficult question but yes, I am obliged to try to teach what I know. Some people seem to respond, some stumble across me. I turn no-one away. I promise nothing but if you are patient I will share with you what I know to be true. At one stage I thought of myself as a scientist until the application of the logic involved in the scientific method against my own personal self deconstructed it and plunged me into the profound – so far removed from where I was that I can only say now that it was/is completely beyond thought or consciousness. In real-time, personal time, here and now in the year 2010 this transit could perhaps be measured in minutes only but where I ended and how “long” I stayed there I cannot say for in the profound no time exists much less any limitation of extent and besides which the states of being-consciousness encountered had never-not-been there and what speaks to you now did not exist, had never existed and would not now exist but for one thing only – of my own accord I elected to come back to teach and for no other reason at all really. Born I never was, death I have never known, for myself I am not – except as I choose (have chosen) to see and that has taken-on a countless multitude including the non-dual delusion as the creator or otherwise known as “I am that from which all derives”. The false idea or more properly delusion flowing therefrom, is often identified in relation to source as: “There is only ever the non-dual reality” along with its subsidiary notion that “All is presence in which all apparent thoughts and concepts, events and actions, arise spontaneously” and although this needs to be experienced and understood it is as an attribute of “mind only” i.e. it arises merely as a capacity “in consciousness”. It is far from being the Absolute which cannot be described in a satisfactory manner since it is quite beyond thought (movement in consciousness) in any sense but at the same time cannot denied the aspect of sentience in some remote and undefinable sense at least it appears that way….As for the state of being-consciousness-bliss (the Atman) it is but a comparatively early step along the way following deconstruction of the ego-self.

  2. alywaibel says:

    oh. I don’t quite follow this.

  3. ok – its not important – just a general blurb anyway – we can start anyplace you wish so a specific question might be the best place to begin

  4. First of all, I was not “searching for enlightenment” when I stumbled into the procedure that shattered my sense of “personal self”. Far from it in fact, since I viewed with frank disbelief anything related to such notions concerning spirituality.

    When initially challenged by a friend concerning the derision I had reflexively expressed regarding the notion of reincarnation that she had raised in conversation, I flatly denied any such possibility. But of course, how could I be absolutely sure this was so? I could readily see that being alive at all demonstrated an occurrence of one life at least therefore, why not others indeed?

    But so sure was I of the utter impossibility of other lives in my own case that I reacted by applying a scientific methodology in an effort to “prove” my case. All I had to do, I reasoned, was to confirm that I myself had no record of any trace of a memory that could be ascribed to the effects of a previous life.

    My proposition was that my responses to all major choice-points in my life to that point (early 40s) should be explainable in terms of earlier experience obtained only in this very same life. For myself I thoroughly expected that to be the case. Only if I found any significant choice not adhering to the expected scheme would I entertain the possibility that such an influence might have been induced because of an experience “outside” this life. Of course I did find such events chief of which was an apparently blind intent to oppose the progressive trend in environmental destruction and degradation. This took the form of active opposition that was eventually to cost me a tenure-tracked university teaching post. Why had I done that I wondered? Everyone around had warned that the university concerned was threatened with funding restrictions by major polluting industries but I took no notice of these signals and instead pressed matters publically until my contract was allowed to lapse.

    Therefore, I accepted the notion that I was indeed subject to at least one motivation that might have originated in a previous life. Accordingly, to investigate further, I worked with a past-life regression therapist and over two years and succeeded in recalling four or five past-life experiences many of which were traumatic including one that I realized accounted for my role in the environmental movement. While considering these past-life experiences I quite inadvertently raised two of them into direct conscious focus along with that of my current life. As I did so I automatically found myself facing myself in three different circumstances belonging to three entirely different frames in time as well as in space. At once a great fear took hold of my heart and the question “who or what am I that thus span space and time?” immediately sprang into focus. This question had the prompt effect of causing the external crusts around each of the “competing” ego-structures to disintegrate in favor of a previously undetected realization that a higher entity had been responsible for separately constructing each ego-self. Concurrently, the first section of an ignited kundalini discharge reached my heart chakra and the externality (the therapist’s office), the exterior world itself, vanished, dropped-away, did not appear anymore.

    When deconstruction of the ego or personal self is achieved (as by raising the question “who am I?”) it is followed by a very particular realization. This consists of the “observation” that the structure of the personal self and the entire infrastructure comprising the world immediately “falls away”. By this I mean the physical world disappears (dissolves) and the observing identity (standing apart from time) realizes that both the attributes of the personal self and those of the world truly exist only in consciousness. The realized observer is then also aware that since both foregoing categories (personal self and the world) are non-substantial, existing only in consciousness, that they can be reassembled “at will”. Most importantly, this new comprehension carries with it the understanding that a replacement personal self can be assembled without necessarily including negative attributes such as short temper, anger and so forth.

    The reportage subsequent to deconstruction of the personal self is not directly expressed by the emergent Higher Self but rather by a reconstructed personal self which acts as a “stand-in” for the aforementioned realized identity. This stand-in is not in any way the previously destroyed personal self it is really a facade deliberately remodeled to include the best attributes of the discarded personality. Hence attributes such as reading, writing, some essential set of mannerisms and so forth are retained. The facard does not contain any of the contracted elements associated with the deconstructed personal selves with the exception of those related to as yet unaddressed ripening seed-karmas already tied into the personal self of this life. Although these seed karmas can and will emerge they are now subject to direct oversight by the Higher Self such that tragic outcomes are largely obviated.

  5. In other words, the attribute of personal conscience is now elevated to a transcendent and “heightened” level and becomes a commanding attribute ever shining behind the otherwise passive-looking façade of “reworked” personality.

    As the process of self-realization proceeds further, three additional spiritual facts emerge (are remembered). The first such recollection is that the subject identity is alone and ever has been so. The way this comprehension arises is through the comprehension that “nothingness” i.e. no other identity exists anywhere within the infinity of comprehension stretching away in all directions from the realized identity. It is thus not only alone but completely alone. This apprehension itself occasions a brief but deep sadness which immediately translates into a “sigh of profound loneliness” that penetrates down even into the physical being so recently abandoned. In an instant the subject “solidifies” for a moment only to vanish once again as the kundalini flashes onward in three further bursts occasioned once again by the desire to empty the query “who am I”.

    The second realization is that the figment of “time” has been dispensed with and has been superseded by the identity “now only” and third, that a nearly infinite array of personal lives exist simultaneously in consciousness along with the recently vacated “current life” as well as those which might have been visualized at the instance of raising the question “who or what am I that thus spans space and time”. It is the realization, the recollection of this seemingly endless array of “alternate” lives that then coalesces into the state of being-consciousness-bliss.

    Thus, there is indeed a state of “being-consciousness-bliss” but it is nowhere near to being an “absolute”. For one thing it is a state of consciousness – it can be and is “known” but it does not itself know that it is the source of all that exists (so to speak) and nor does it directly claim to be such although the creative capacity is none-the-less inherent in each incarnation that it has undertaken to produce. It only knows itself to be a “state of grace” hence the term: being-consciousness-bliss. It knows beyond itself only that it is the true (but not absolute) source of the constantly reincarnating personal self. Hence, upon reaching this state, the fusion therewith is equivalent to “homecoming” one might say. It is the apex of Being, it is the consciousness that is capable of knowing anything – everything (should it so desire) and all the foregoing “attributes” are wrapped within an envelope of divine bliss and complete satisfaction, a golden-honey-like effulgence satisfying all the imperatives that have otherwise been used to justify each and every projection undertaken into the incarnate world of name-and-form. This is the timeless reality known as the Atman, the Higher Self, the direct source of the perceived array of reincarnating personalities.

    So, the immediate realization is: “I am Home!” This is who I really Am! This is what I always already was! Why did I forget this?! How could I possibly have forgotten? And last, why did I ever leave this state and travel beyond time and space into uncountable incarnations within the world of name and form?? As soon as this question is raised the answer formulates itself as “I did it to see if I could return and for no other reason.” It was a self-test only and as such it truly represents The fall.
    Yes, a fall it was (is) but perhaps more like “letting go” really or perhaps a “dive” would be better term to use. The point is that the descent was undertaken merely as a kind of self-test at a point where separation is or was imminent, perhaps along with maybe a tinge of pride (at having attained a state wherein imminence was conceivable), but, the “real” driver was maybe more like a whim really, “just to see if I can return” (to unity, to being-consciousness-bliss) and perhaps to enable the as yet not realized “sigh of compassion to be ‘satisfied'”). At least that is how I see/saw it.
    However, the difficulty involved in the subsequent return was unimaginably severe, the “time taken” an eternity of eternities because once perfection has been abandoned in the first place why go back (right away) – what attraction might be there other than that already abandoned? And then what transpires? – Why the objective of the mission becomes lost from view – forgotten! So – the “sigh of compassion” must straight away become twofold and uttered concurrently and for that to take place the “mountain of pain” involved must be truly profound. So it is easier to jump into the pit than to get back there-from. Even if armed with the comprehension that no Avatar could possibly respect any state of Divinity until it has been rejected, lost and regained perhaps?

    However that may be, once this level of understanding has been achieved the state of “being-consciousness-bliss” can be immediately banished by an entirely natural query of the form:“from whence being-consciousness-bliss”? The instantaneous result thereof being visitation into the profound, a state that cannot be recalled into consciousness for the simple reason that it entails no trace of consciousness and is thus prior to “being-consciousness-bliss” (which latter is itself, as detailed above, a consciously achieved state). What claim could possibly be raised to justify this conclusion? Simple really, the conscious consequence arising from this enquiry is a subsequently emergent identity (far removed from any taint of personality) which can be characterized as the state of “universal creative certainty”. This state is termed Brahman, the divine reality and it is the underlying ground of the world. It does not emerge directly into consciousness in relation to the query “wherefrom being-consciousness-bliss” but rather as a subsequent consequence thereof.

    Immediately upon raising the question “where-from being-consciousness-bliss” there is a feeling of dissolution into a void accompanied by a remnant of “contractive fear” resolving as a hint of presence as in the notion of conjoint origin of being and nothingness, and then nothing, nothing that can readily even be called nothing. This latter state can however, be detected later as a gap in consciousness only as by the perception of an end to one sense of consciousness (leaving being-consciousness-bliss) and the onset of another (the state of universal creative certainty).

    However, although the latter state “of universal creative certainty“ appears subjectively as the support of all, it is properly the intermediate source of the world of name and form. It is a mistaken identity in that although it is the primary appearance in/as consciousness (issuing from the profound) and although it does see itself as source of all that follows, it none-the-less emerges from the profound (from emptiness itself) and is therefore not (itself) the true source (of itself), even if it is a fully formed identity i.e. a “capacity” in consciousness. Being a “first appearance” it naturally considers itself the “originator” of all that is and all that there is to be.

    If emptiness is truly outside of consciousness how can such a state be apprehended i.e. apprehended as “emptiness”? As mentioned above, careful inspection reveals that there is a “gap” in experience between the question “where-from being-consciousness-bliss” as raised within “being-consciousness-bliss” and the emergence of the identity “I am that from which all derives”. This “gap” (or reflection sphere, for want of a better term than “emptiness”) can be recognized and therefore alluded to as constituting “true emptiness”. Emptiness is thus something “solitary”, unspeakable, un-knowable, un-reportable into which consciousness disappears as soon as discrimination ceases and this immediately follows the query “where-from being-consciousness-bliss?” The seed of the creator and the creator’s universe subsequently emerges (from emptiness) under the false (DELUDED) identity “I am that from which all derives” but the true “source” (reflection point/sphere) ever remains as “emptiness” the condition that arises as when discrimination ceases…………unknowable in consciousness because (it is) beyond (prior to) the capacity which supports consciousness which latter, in turn possesses the ability to know itself and thereby (to manifest) manifests “the world of name and form” and all therein. This is “Brahman” and the term “Para-Brahman” which is the formless aspect of Divinity beyond Brahman is equivalent to “true emptiness”.

    So, how may we seek to explain elemental Advaita (non-duality) in relation to its “single-minded” insistence that “There is only ever the non-dual reality and, from the vantage point of the person in the world, there is either knowing this or not knowing it” or again framed as “all is presence in which all apparent thoughts and concepts, events and actions, arise spontaneously” and so forth? Well, once again, the answer to this question is simple, such advocates have overlooked the aspect of “emptiness” simply because they have not “seen or detected” it and have projected themselves directly into the erroneous and deluded identity being the state of “I am that from which all derives” and this they rephrase as “all is presence in which all apparent thoughts and concepts, events and actions, arise spontaneously” and again “there is only ever the non-dual reality” and so forth thereby incorrectly justifying any action that may arise within their pervue.

    Emptiness is a state of (presumed) being about which nothing can be said. It is known to exist by consciousness only as a gap therein. It is the gap between being-consciousness-bliss (Atman) and the immediately emergent identity or “being that knows itself as ‘that from which all derives'”(the manifest Self or Brahman). However, although the state of “I am that from whence all derives” sees itself as instigator, when fully realized it is also immediately aware of the pain and suffering experienced by all sentient beings which it posits against the pure nature of the perfection which it conceives of as being consonant with its origin. In greater detail, the state of being-conscious-bliss from which the question “where-from being-consciousness-bliss can be raised is already fully-informed as to the result of infinitely expressed manifestation into the world of name and form – that informed result being direct comprehension of the “mountain of pain” previously referenced.

    Compassion does not arise de novo from emptiness but rather as the result of emptiness “scanning” the effects of its emergent creative impulse. Subjectively, the creative principle encounters a choice-point as it emerges from the profound. Before activating itself either by returning to the profound (the void), or continuing as the active point of creation in the knowledge that nothing exists therein, it glances briefly at the mountain of pain. If overcome by the real and tangible vision that sentient beings suffer the effects of wrong action (even if otherwise viewed as no action) as “a mountain of misery” elaborated by their own doing, it may conclude that it has little choice but to return to the world of name and form to alleviate such (non-existent) suffering on the grounds that the pain thereof is none-the-less seen as real by the sufferer’s. Since time does not exist, this will take “no time at all”. Thus the long hard journey back to the world of “name and form” is initiated.

    The Heart Sutra speaks clearly and decisively to this idea. Similarly the statement roared by the Upanishads, to the effect that “That Thou Art” although referencing a definite state, is not the “Absolute” and one can know that because it can be recalled as “I am that from which all derives”. The absolute state cannot be recalled because it is “void”, Nirvana (all sense of small self and of Higher Self (Atman-Brahman) “blown out” as the Buddha said, “something solitary…”) – so how can the void possibly be “recalled”? The “Awakening of Faith” (a Mahayana root-text) speaks of final enlightenment in the following terms: to be fully enlightened is to have reached the fountainhead of the mind. Such a designation refers to those free from DELUDED thought, able to perceive that which is beyond thought, and to have thus awakened to the perception that ALL THOUGHT can be likened to “dream only”.

    I could go on in detail but you will get the point. It’s all one ….thing man! One thing that is a no-thing or everything depending entirely on the attainment achieved by the observer/reporter – from the comparative simplicity volunteered by the plethora of those that adhere to the creed currently trumpeted by neo advaita to more discerning and sophisticated versions of nirvana-emptiness-compassion and so forth, coupled with the intellectual and practical infrastructure provided by modes of practice in one form or another, some conservative some seemingly. otherwise.

  6. s says:

    goldenagebeyond – I have seen your posting on

    the food bill site.

    Was quite easy to find this blog of yours.
    Big problem is to have your home address searchable online if you are going to be involved in this sort of thing!
    Its right on this page
    From that and your name being on the book you wrote was easy to find your home number….

    Im being very careful when posting to the type of website where food bill , tppa etc are discussed and use a address.
    would hate for you to be put on a watch list!

    • Thanks 4 the tip but the time has long since marched past that point of no return. Silence is golden, this I know and I also keenly suspect the blog-site concerned – too strange really.

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